“So I'll go anywhere You take me (Yeah)
'Cause I know Your love will sustain me
And I don't care if I look crazy, no (Oh)
So I'll go anywhere You take me, uh-uh”
For me, there’s always been something about music that beyond having a catchy song stuck in my head, I’d have it stuck in my heart. Allowing myself to not only love a song but to become an embodiment of it has been one of the most beautiful feelings I’ve experienced throughout my life. There’s a freedom in letting your heart beat to the music around you rather than emptiness. To let your life move along to the rhythms you hear around you rather than confine it to a place where there is no song.
Yesterday was leap day so our teachers planned a magic show at school and it was really fun... We also have a vocab game this week and I’m partners with Denise and Maeve. We are playing a game called VOCAB ROAD!... I still have to do one more packet of Kumon :(.
I feel like music has a big place in my life. I am going to start learning the guitar. I’m very interested.
I think I just heard someone fart today. It was kinda loud.
I’ve only heard people say that they were at the ‘lowest’ point in their life. Never actually experienced it. But i really do feel like i’ve hit rock bottom in life right now. I’m not depressed, and I’m not joking. I think I kind of understand what depression means. It’s not when someone is sad. It’s a situation. Where you feel like you are not yourself anymore, the best version of you, everything you’ve built up over the years, and you nearing a point of no return—that’s depression. My whole lifestyle changed. My sleep schedule is messed up. I can’t get off my phone. Addicted to the point I’m averaging 11 hours of screen time a day. I’m eating without control. I gained a ton of weight and trashed all self-respect. I can’t even have a normal conversation with my parents. I feel distanced from my friends at school. Even they started to notice that I’ve changed, and I can tell. It caught me off guard when Ms. Karim came over and asked if everything was okay after she caught me sleeping while standing to sing during her class.
‘Sona, you’ve been so out of it. You’re coming in 15 seconds late on every line.’
At that moment, I felt like I had lost complete control of my life. Retreats don’t help. Let’s be honest. I am so tired of going to one, getting all prayerful and then losing normal connections with my family and normal people. I’m tired of running on four hours of sleep a night. Relationship with God and good lifestyle doesn’t just spawn out of nowhere—it is built up in discipline. I am at a point in my life where I’ve lost all discipline. I can’t even look my parents in the face. I went from being in the top 5% of my class at the start of the year to opening my gradebook to see a cluster of Fs and Ds. An AP Exam on Monday that I started studying for this morning. I’ve never procrastinated so much in my life.
God, where are you? Please help me.
I had paid my deposit at George Mason University and had been committed to going there for college for about a month now. I had only applied to three schools, and got into all three, UVA being the top school that I got into. I overlooked my other college acceptances because for the longest time I had decided that I was going to stay at home and commute for college. I wanted to be “that girl”. The good daughter that saved money, went to school, stayed active at church, and ran house errands. I pretty much had my whole future planned out for years, and it was all so far so good. Until I realized it wasn't, and that I was stuck, and in so many ways breathless.
It was also during this time that I had discovered the song “I’ll go” by Isla Vista Worship. Something about it striked me so I had it playing on repeat, but I didn’t think of it beyond that. We came back home from spending some time with Jesus in adoration one day, and my mom casually asked me if I truly felt like Mason was right for me, and if I would still consider UVA. At first I was confused, because like I said earlier, I had my whole life planned out, and it had been almost a month since I paid an enrollment deposit at George Mason. “I’ll go” was playing on my speaker in the background. Without thinking too much, I said, “Yea I think we should drive down to Charlottesville and tour UVA.”
We brought the topic up at the dinner table tonight. My mom broke into tears. My dad was emotionless and skeptical if it was even worth it.
The very next day my dad drove us down to UVA. I played “I’ll go” on the car radio on repeat from NOVA to Charlottesville. I don’t know, but something about that song made me want to listen to it over and over again. Within two days I withdrew my enrollment from George Mason University, requested a refund on my deposit, and enrolled at the University of Virginia. It took just a few days to change the whole trajectory of my life. Everyone was confused. Trust me, I was even more confused. I could never see myself leaving home, but there was a certain freedom I experienced in letting go of the firm grip I held over my heart and letting it beat instead to the music that flowed around me.
“So I'll go anywhere You take me (Yeah)
'Cause I know Your love will sustain me
And I don't care if I look crazy, no (Oh)
So I'll go anywhere You take me, uh-uh”
But here’s the hard truth. Depression doesn’t just magically disappear one day. Committing to UVA by no means solved all my problems. I was still very lost. I remember grappling with teenage love, questioning what love was like, and if I was even worth it. If my friendships were even true. If these big life decisions that I was faced to take at that point in my life were even what God wanted for me. Or was I just being dumb?
The healing process took a while. My trip to Kerala that summer, where I sat on the porch for hours just watching the pouring rain with my grandparents, healed me. During my time in Kerala, I put my phone away, deleted snapchat, lost all the weight I had gained, and said goodbye to the people that put me in bad situations. And I started reading a very special book that helped me find myself again and fill a void that had gotten too deep. The book is called In Sinu Jesu: When Heart Speaks to Heart.
“I do not love you because you have done anything to deserve my love. I love you because I am all love and because Mine is a merciful love, a love drawn to those most in need of redemption.”
Page 60, In Sinu Jesu: When Heart Speaks to Heart -- The Journal of a Priest at Prayer
I came back from Kerala with a fresh mind. My heart was beating to the rhythm of the song. I had no idea what to expect of College. I was unprepared because I was never ready to leave home or even consider the idea of “dorming” before a month or two ago. As clueless as I was, I was also very ready. To take it as it came.
“And I don't care if I look crazy, no (Oh)
So I'll go anywhere You take me, uh-uh”
The one thing I was worried about in going to college was experiencing a distance from God. I grew up very connected to my church, and leaving that circle of comfort I found in my church community was a bit of a leap for me. Maintaining a relationship with God was no longer “convenient” or built into my everyday life, and I was scared about losing that connection.
It ended up that out of all the dorms that I could have been randomly assigned to live in this year, I got assigned to the closest possible dorm to the university’s Catholic church. And that too to a room on the corner of the building closest to the church. What was a 15 minute drive to church back at home became a 5 minute walk (or 3 minute run) in college. It’s still unbelievable to me. When I felt like I would go further from Him, He drew me even closer. In my fear of losing Him, He blessed me with daily Mass. In my fear of loneliness, He filled the place around me with His close presence.
“I am not far from you. I hold you close to my wounded Heart and keep you at every moment, waking and sleeping, beneath My gaze of mercy and of love. Do not doubt of My love for you. I have chosen you to be My friend. I want you to trust in My gift of divine friendship. I do not withdraw it when I have given it. On the contrary, My love grows in the soul of one who accepts My friendship, and it is a fruitful love. I have called you to holiness. Believe in My love for you. Seek my Face and My Heart in the Sacrament of My love. Be the priest adorer I have called you to be. I bless you, and My Mother blesses you too. Trust in our care for you.”
Page 45, In Sinu Jesu: When Heart Speaks to Heart -- The Journal of a Priest at Prayer
Living in a new place, around new people, in a new environment taught me so much. I tell people that I’ve learned more in the first month of college than I’ve learned in my past 12 years of life. Being here taught me that striving to be your best self is an extremely rewarding struggle. College is tough. Living here is tougher. Getting locked out of your room, having to text a friend because you don’t want to eat alone, or walking to a class twenty minutes away in the rain when you forgot your umbrella isn’t fun. But at the end of the day when I’m going to bed and looking back at all the things I’ve done in just that one day, I think to myself: “Senior year me could’ve never.” I’ve met some great people, proved to myself that I too can work hard and succeed, and have created some beautiful memories over the past couple of weeks. God allowed me to loosen the grip I held over my heart. To let it listen, and to beat freely along to the rhythm of the song.
“So I'll go anywhere You take me (Yeah)
'Cause I know Your love will sustain me
And I don't care if I look crazy, no (Oh)
So I'll go anywhere You take me, uh-uh”
You will rise again from your lowest. Take care of yourselves.
With love,
Sona
I just completed my first semester at UVA. I’ve never been happier. I’m sitting here all packed and ready to go home. I’ll be back next month. But for now, I’ll Go.